Death is not a Private Matter

An article written by Chris Chappelle for The Tribune.

Grief is a universal experience.  However, just as each of us is a unique individual, so too will each of us grieve differently.  We will not journey through grief at the same pace nor will we experience it with the same intensity.  Yet, if we are to build a healthy grief experience, we must all start with a firm foundation.  This foundation is laid shortly after learning of the death of someone close to us.  This is the time we must make decisions regarding the care of the body of the one who has died and the emotional and psychological care of the those left behind.  Consequently, these decisions may have an enormous impact on the course of our grief.

Tradition, in its many forms, is also a universal experience.  Long ago our ancestors recognized the special strength that came from the support of family and friends at a time of loss.  Rituals evolved that demonstrated respect for the dead and provided assistance for the bereaved.  These traditions, although modified, have been handed down through generations so that even today, when a death occurs, we may gather together to pay respect to the deceased, reflect on their life and offer much needed support to one another.  The physical presence of others can actually provide a cushion for the family.  These traditions and rituals have survived for centuries because of their value in enabling the bereaved to deal with their loss and work through their grief.

I am deeply concerned when I read obituaries that indicate a "private service" or worse yet, "no service".  How will the family cope without the help of friends; without the support; without the cushion?  How will the community of friends, whether large or small, feel when they are not given the opportunity to pay respect to the one they knew and mark the end of their life by reflecting on it?  Both family and friends are being denied the opportunity to properly finish the relationship they had with the deceased.  Someone they love has been taken from them and yet they won't have the therapeutic environment to assist them.

As a funeral director, I will sometimes hear families tell me that it was the wish of the deceased not to have a funeral.  In most cases when such wishes were stated, they were intended to "shelter the family from going through a funeral".  Although these wishes were made as an act of love and protection,they often deny a family the expression of their sorrow and stifles their grief.  Even when the family wants to arrange a type of service that know would be a comfort to them, they feel bound by the deceased's wishes.  this further illustrates the need to discuss one's request and ideas for one's own funeral with family members while there is time to examine service options and how these options will affect the survivors.  We must remember that the funeral is really for the survivors.  They must be allowed a chance to pay tribute, share memories, express their feelings and most importantly, say good-bye.  I realize that, initially, it may be difficult for a family to face the reality of their loss and to visually confront the deceased at the funeral home.  However, as friends and relatives start to arrive to share in their sorrow and offer support, these uncomfortable feelings are replaced by feelings of love and friendship as the family realizes that they won't be journeying through grief alone.

Families selecting cremation have just as many options for services.  Some regard cremation as an alternative to a funeral when in reality, it is an alternative to burial or entombment.  Generally, the same visitation and service is held and then, instead of going to the cemetery, we proceed to the crematorium. Cremation doesn't limit the opportunity for gathering, viewing and a service, whether it be formal or contemporary.

In recent years we have been able to make small changes to funeral customs while retaining the basic traditions and important healing properties of the funeral service as we know it in our North American Society. These minor variations have helped to personalize services and create a more accurate reflection of the life of the deceased.

We now often use a "memory table" in the visitation room or chapel composed of photograph, mementos or perhaps samples of crafts, hobbies or interests that the deceased had enjoyed and for which he or she can be remembered.

At one time, members of the immediate family were discouraged from acting as pallbearers.  We now encourage both male and female members of the family to be involved in this capacity if they feel it would be therapeutic.  Many believe it to be an honour to assist their loved one to the final resting place.

Several years ago children were seldom present during visitation and funeral services, however, now they play an integral part through their presence as we strive to promote the benefits of moving through a crisis as a family unit.  Children think and act at different levels than we do, but we should still allow them to share their feelings and properly finish the relationship they had with the deceased.

Modifications such as these have permitted families to have services that are even more meaningful and helpful.

It is a tremendous misconception that service arrangements must be expensive.  A funeral need not be costly to have the same emotional and psychological value.  Ultimately, it is the family who determines the cost depending upon the type of service selected.  To be an accurate reflection of the life of the deceased, families are encouraged to act with reason and according to their means.

There is no "right" way to have a funeral for someone you love.  Funerals can be as different as the people for whom and by whom they are planned.  There are, however, traditions of allowing friends and family to be a part of the visitation and service in a way that will provide immeasurable comfort for everyone involved.  By joining together to say goodbye and to celebrate memories we can ensure that whatever we learned and shared during the life of our loved one will never really be lost.  This knowledge lights the way for our journey through grief.