Writing a Eulogy

Garry Schaeffer

Our Guest Writer for this Grief Brief is Garry Schaeffer, author of the excellent booklet "A Labor of Love - How To Write a Eulogy". Here Garry summarizes the process of writing a eulogy as a contribution to the memorial service and the therapeutic and healing effects the process can have on the writer.

Write a Eulogy

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a noble gesture that is worthy of thought and effort. It is an opportunity to make a contribution to a memorial service a contribution that your friends and family will remember for a long time.

Writing in general a eulogy, a tribute, a letter, or keeping a journal-presents another equally valuable opportunity for you-the ability to use the writing process as an therapeutic tool to help you deal with your grief. The power of writing is undeniable and there is no better time than now for you to discover and take advantage of this. What A Eulogy Should Accomplish

There are two common misconceptions about the purposes of a eulogy. Some people think: 1) it should be an objective summation of the deceased's life; or 2) it should speak for everyone who is present at the memorial service. Both of these assumptions are unrealistic.

A eulogy is much more simple. It should convey the feelings and experiences of the person giving the eulogy. The most touching and meaningful eulogies are written from a subjective point of view and from the heart. So don't feel compelled to write your loved one's life story. Instead, tell your story.

Clearly, the burden of the eulogy does not have to be yours completely. If you have the time, ask friends or relatives for their recollections and stories. In a eulogy, it is perfectly acceptable to say, for example, "I was talking to Uncle Lenny about Ron; he reminded me of the time Ron came to our Thanksgiving dinner with half of his face clean-shaven and the other half bearded. It was Ron's funny way of showing that he had mixed feelings about shaving off his beard."

Honesty is very important. In most cases, there will be a lot of positive qualities to talk about. Once in a while, however, there is someone with more negative traits than positive qualities. If that is the case, remember, you don't have to say everything. Just be honest about the positive qualities and everyone will appreciate the eulogy.

Remember, you do not have to write a perfect eulogy. Whatever you write and deliver will be appreciated by the people at the funeral. If you are inclined to be a perfectionist, lower your expectations and just do what you can, given the short time-frame for preparation and your emotional state.

Writing As Therapy

On some level, you already know how therapeutic writing can be. In the past you may have written an angry letter and not mailed it, but felt better for having written it.

Writing, in any form, can provide a powerful catharsis. It brings up memories and rekindles feelings. It has been said, "The only way out is through." Writing helps you revisit emotions that are important to the healing process. So get your feelings on paper. There are many ways to use writing as a tool to help you deal with your loss. Some people keep journals or diaries. Others write letters. Some people send e-mail to friends. Others write poems or stories.

Julia Cameron, in her book, The Artist's Way, tells aspiring artists to spend time writing each morning. She calls it "morning papers." You can do the same thing and call them, "mourning papers." Set aside a block of time each day to write three pages of thoughts and feelings. Write long-hand rather than on a typewriter or computer; it seems to have a better effect. Don't worry about the writing process while doing it. Forget about spelling, grammar, punctuation, being redundant, or writing half-baked ideas, thoughts, or feelings. The goal is not to write something that is good-or something that will ever be read again-but to write simply for the sake of getting your thoughts and feelings out of your system.

Mourning papers can and should-include complaints, aggravations, frustrations, and so on. Nothing is too trivial. You can complain about the barking dog next door. You can write about your dreams or sorrows. You can create a grocery list. You can create goals. You can create a better life for yourself or you can work on your most immediate needs. The only rule is that there are no rules. Let whatever is on your mind flow onto the paper. Unburden yourself of pain, sorrow, fears, regrets, and so on. This is a very powerful exercise! You will make several discoveries:

* The process is enjoyable.

* Your thoughts will flow quickly, with the important ones pushing themselves to the surface with great force.

* It is easy to fill up three pages.

* You might have to stop to cry, especially if you are currently in pain. Bringing the pain up, although unpleasant, is part of working through it. I'm not a therapist, but from experience I know that repressing feelings is counter-productive. Tears water our growth.

* The process helps you get rid of petty complaints and obsessions.

* You will look forward to your morning writing sessions.

Tips For Delivering A Eulogy

If you decide to write a eulogy and deliver it, realize that it may be the most difficult speech you will ever make; and it may be the most rewarding. It is important to realize that people are not going to judge you. They will be very supportive. No matter what happens, it will be okay. If you break down in the middle of your speech, everyone will understand. Take a moment to compose yourself, then continue. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Remember, giving a eulogy is a noble gesture that people will appreciate and admire.

If you can, make the eulogy easy to read. On a computer, print out the eulogy in a large type size. If you are using a typewriter, put extra carriage returns between the lines. If you are writing it by hand, print the final version in large letters and give the words room to breath by writing on every second or third line.

Before the memorial service, consider getting a small cup of water. Keep it with you during the service. When you go to the podium to deliver the eulogy, take the water with you in case you need it. Sipping water before you start and during the speech, if needed-will help relax you. If you are nervous before delivering the eulogy, breath deeply and tell yourself that everything will be fine. It will be. Look around at your relatives and friends and realize that they are with you 100 percent. Realize that it is acceptable to read the eulogy without making eye contact with the audience, if that would be easier for you. Take your time. Do the best you can. No one expects you to have the delivery of a great orator or the stage presence of an actor. Just be you.

Garry Schaeffer is the author and publisher of, A Labor Of Love: How To Write A Eulogy. You can contact him via e-mail at gms@san.rr.com or visit his site at: www.eulogybook.net